i really thought that i had her best interest in mind when i took her for a dental cleaning and tooth extraction that i had been putting off for a couple of years now because of the expense. despite her nervousness and health problems, including high blood pressure, hyperthyroidism, and beginning kidney deterioration, three vets had strongly recommended cleaning, even though they all knew that she'd have to be anesthetized. her teeth were really bad. one tooth was infected and her gums were receding. dental problems, i thought, could exacerbate her other health issues, or introduce new ones, so i'd better go for the cleaning. everyone thought she'd come through, even me. now, she's lying in the bathtub, lined with towels, pads, and her little bed, struggling to move, barely lapping up fluids, pupils dialated- maybe she can't see. she can't stand on her own. she can barely stand on her back legs. sharp and heartbreaking contrast to the bright-eyed meowing face that would look up at me, full of love, trust, and a longing for tasty treats. i don't know if she will ever bring me little slips of paper to roll into balls to toss for a game of fetch, or curl up with me as i read, purring contentedly, or race around wildly right after i go to bed, or make her own bed in the crook of my leg as i sleep.
most painful now are thoughts that i entertained about life being simpler and more convenient without her. what i missed, why i took her for granted, is so clear to me now. sharing my life with that beautiful cat is more than worth the pet rent and the expense of her medications and special food, the unpleasant task of cleaning her litterbox, and dealing with vomit. i don't want to feel life without her healthy, vibrant presence. she was always there when i was far from home, when puppy had to be away. with her in my life, i would never be completely alone. i always had beautiful jadzia to share my home. i hope this is not the end for her. i love my kitty so much.